


Every Moving Thing That Lives

by DoreyG



Category: Christian Bible (Old Testament), The Great British Bake Off RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - The Great British Bake Off Fusion, Crack, Gen, Osmosis Fic, Triple Drabble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-10
Updated: 2019-11-10
Packaged: 2021-01-26 20:23:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 300
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21380050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DoreyG/pseuds/DoreyG
Summary: A special series of the Great British Bake Off.
Comments: 16
Kudos: 26
Collections: Osmosis Exchange





	Every Moving Thing That Lives

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ba_lailah](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ba_lailah/gifts).

> This is an Osmosis fic! The canon will be changed to Undisclosed Canon soon after reveals.
> 
> I've never read the bible, though I did unfortunately go to a CoE junior school and still have lingering memories. I also haven't watched the GBBO since the BBC days, so this is a double osmosis fic.

"It's too salty," Paul says, for once a touch apologetically.

Lot's wife, multiple questions still not having uncovered her actual name, bursts into tears. Given the make up of her body, this is a disaster that requires multiple first aiders rushing in at once. Paul and Prue immediately take a few hasty steps back, until they're standing by Sandi and Noel again.

"I'm sorry," Paul says defensively, crossing his arms and glaring. "But it was!"

"That doesn't mean you had to say it!" Noel hisses, giving him a disapproving look. "Next you'll be criticizing Eve, for always using apples in her bakes!"

"Well…"

"Or Noah, for always using the meat of exotic animals even in vegetarian dishes!" Noel places his hands on his hips, continues stridently. "Or Salome, for inevitably presenting you with something shaped like a head for her showstopper. Or Moses, for using crickets and frogs and freshly sourced blood in his recipes. Or Abraham, for trying to cook his son…"

There's a long pause. The four of them stare at each other, a touch nervously. 

"We probably should criticize them for a few of those, actually," Prue says thoughtfully, very carefully not looking back at the contestants in the tent.

"Forget criticism," Sandi says, in a determinedly cheerful voice, and slowly starts to edge toward the tent entrance. "I'm going to call the police. Keep an eye on Cain for me as I do so, will you?"

Cain, who is holding a sharp knife mysteriously covered in blood, looks up from his work station with shifty eyes. The station besides him, where his brother Abel was working just yesterday, remains suspiciously empty and covered in red stains.

"Worst series ever," Paul says, with some feeling. Prue and Noel both consider this for a second, then nod firmly.


End file.
